It's been a rough month.
As evidenced by the hail (hail? in Florida?) above... which fell in as much as 1/2" diameters on my home the Sunday before Memorial day. In general, the last two weeks of weather here have brought deluges of various durations... all around the 5-7pm timeslots. In addition to the hail, I have left work soaked to the knees from the depth of the water as I'm walking (the drainspouts just can't handle sudden, heavy downpours and parking lots and roads flood). I'm driving a rental car (more on that later) that is larger than my own. Lucky thing as I found myself driving through an intersection near work on Thursday night, and as cars hydroplaned through the intersection I could look out my driver's window and see the water rise nearly 3-4 inches below my side window. If you get caught indoors when it starts, it is best to stay trapped and not try to go outside. Currently, the rental has elements of the trees (from my work parking lot) trapped in the wiper wells. I'll need to clean them out today. The rain comes so hard and fast that it denudes a lot of the growth from the trees.
It is an unusual May. Generally in this part of Florida in May we have drought and brush fires, followed by flooding rains in June. Not so this year. When not raining, the greenery is lush and fine and we have seen literally dozens of rainbows.
Those rainbows are the good things about May in my life. Otherwise.... nothing dreadful, nothing drastic, but just one of the most "down" months I have had in a long while.
Started with the death of a love affair. Ended with the death of a close friend.
At my age, you hesitate to say, "my relationship". And I prefer love affair. Started with a good friend about 5 years ago. Worried that by entering into it, if something went wrong ... would our friendship not re-engage? Would I lose a good friend by trying for more? And so, that has happened. And I must lean into my loneliness, no voice on the phone or the voice mail, no funny texts, no shoulder to lean on. I must say that I don't expect to love this way again in my life.
And while I want it back, the mind tells the heart that it probably will not find another situation that I term bashert... English has no word for the sense of rightness, the feeling that you have a sense of landing where you're supposed to land with someone. But sometimes you are meant to leave a partnership, and so I guess I have. But I wish I could have the friendship back.
Followed the breakup about a week later ... on Mother's day, with having a large floater appear in my left eye. Eye issues are scary for diabetics. I breathed a little easier when my retinologist pronounced it a PVD... something that happens to most of us when we age. Told me within 1-3 months it would most likely sink with gravity, to the part of my eye where it wouldn't be so pronounced in front of my retina. And little by little I've gotten used to it. When I crack my never ending stream of self-deprecating jokes at work, I blame my "floater" for my goof ups and forgetfulness. We laugh....but we worry a little about aging and the changes it will bring.
Topped off the month by having a somewhat minor car accident in the middle of a work day. My fault I got ticketed. So I've had a rental Malibu for about a week and a half now. My car is a lease, but there is only about $4000 damage, so they will repair. Not a scratch on me or the other driver... just an endless stream of time wasters filing claims, going for a work comp analysis, peeing in a cup (yes, the ultimate indignity). Flash. I wasn't drugged or wasted at 9:30 in the morning. Just careless. Frankly, I was lucky.
So when my good friend succumbed to breast cancer on Thursday night, it did stun me. Too many little shocks in one month. And, we all choose to believe it is completely curable now, since we have come so far with the treatments. That it won't be caught too late to metastasize and cling to one's lymph system or spread to one's other organs. But sometimes, it still does. I came to expect that she would die. But it doesn't make it any easier. Nope.
June will be better.
