I really had an ache to write something that felt like I put a piece of my heart in it.. with the exception of some poetry (one that I wasted on Pearlsoup and one that I ...blush.. can't publish here) I have been newsy, chatty, politic-ie and cynical lately in my writings here. Enough.
Words from my heart.....
And I don't feel that way today, or for the last few days. I have spent some time telling someone dear to me something I never thought I would be saying. Something I needed to put out there (like the counselor said) and to not be wounded by it, or despair of it, or blame myself. Whole pages in history pale before the things that are left unsaid, the risks that are not taken, the fear that what you want the most may be jeopardized by something that is out of your control. Many great fiction novels (and perhaps autobiographies!) have turned on the twist of a plot, where something that needed to be said was never said.
I have made my speech, I have regretted the timing, the manner, some of the words...but I have thrown off the yoke of speechlessness, rolled the dice. It feels, somehow, cleansing.
You can fool yourself into madness, imagining what someone else is thinking, worrying it like a bone, preparing the "most likely 3 outcomes"...figuring how you are going to protect yourself from each outcome. Or, you can cast it all on the fire, trust your own spirit, do what is right and honest, and hope for the best. So, I do.