I broke out an old poem a couple of days ago.... "Mutually Exclusive". I'd written it about a workplace that had suddenly gone toxic on me. Where we all stopped feeling good about the team and suddenly everybody was throwing everybody under the bus.
It upset my equilibrium at the time. I'm not above mudslinging and gettin' angry and even and such, but as I get older, it just feels like a waste of time. Upsetting situations don't anger me any more; I try to gain some perspective, try to get some alone time to shake it off, usually write about it. This results in me almost forgiving too much and too fast (and those kids of mine know it, too!). And, in giving up my rush to anger, I do find that now I get the blues.
I look back on the workplace situation today and laugh. The three of us involved in the workplace fiasco are still fast friends. Granted, we have different lifestyles and we only get together once a year for lunch or dinner... but we retain that fondness and that caring that we recaptured.
So, I rolled out "Mutually Exclusive" this month because some relatives were in town and my ex-husband monopolized all their time for 8 days. They called first to make sure I knew they were coming, and, although they couldn't be specific about when they'd be able to see me and the kids, they promised to do so. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday went by. No call. They were in Orlando on Thursday and Friday, and hope against hope, I decided they just might call for their last Saturday, and hope against hope, I would get to see them. We've been friends for 30 years. I guess I can clarify it by saying I love them with all my heart.
So..... it's time for me to get over it.
The situation is better - now that they have left town without even calling me. I wonder when I will be able to let it lie, to let it course by me like a brook...to not get hung up in wondering, why?
Maybe, just maybe, it'll turn out all right and I'll look back on this with them and laugh 2-3 years from now. Maybe my heart will mend without them. Time will tell.
Meanwhile, I fixated on these words from "Blue Moon with Heartache" .... by the delightful Roseanne Cash:
....I run into that heartache just like a wall
And act like nothing happened to me, nothing at all
Lately I'm amazed at how blind we can be
Lately even dreaming feels like old reality
What would I give to be a diamond in your eyes again
What would I give to bring back those old times
What did I say to make your cold heart bleed this way
Maybe I'll just go away today